DeanZine - May 2004


  Ask Amelia  






Dear Amelia,
What can I do to protect my ears from being tormented by my kid's endless renditions of Dean's Silly Songs? 

Signed: Highland Hedgehog Fan SA

Dear Highland Hedgehog Fan:  I feel your pain. I've had to endure endless repetitions of Dean's Silly Songs since his own kids first came along 17 years ago. How many choruses of 'Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never play with matches' or 'Please, Please, Please, Don't Tease the Bees' can one soul take, before completely losing their mind? My solution: soft foam ear-plugs work quite nicely. If you notice someone trying to engage you in conversation, an agreeing head-nod will usually suffice and you'll definitely appreciate the resulting peace and quiet. The soft ends of carrots can serve as a practical substitute, although, as the song so succinctly states, "Never Put Anything Smaller Than Your Elbow, Smaller Than Your Elbow In Your Ear!"

Dear Amelia,

Do you think it is safe for humans to roam free, without an animal to look after them?              Regards, Charlie Rudge

Dear Charlie:   Obviously not, as all of recorded human history proves. Humans are, hands-down, the most destructive and murderous species on the planet. In their typical arrogance, they imagine themselves to be the top of the food chain but if it weren't for the fact that they taste so terribly bad, they would all have been eaten by lions and tigers, bears and sharks, long ago. You are correct in assuming that an animal's calming influence can help to minimize their natural destructiveness, to some degree; which is why about 500,000 years ago, we all got together and solicited volunteers for that very purpose. Unfortunately, the only creatures willing to volunteer for such mundane and unpleasant duty were some dopey dogs, incredibly lazy cats and a handful of addle-brained birds, goldfish and lizards.

The point is, believe it or not, things would be a lot worse than they are if it weren't for the significant number of humans that do live with so-called pets. From the human's point of view there is also plenty of scientific literature that documents the healthful effects of living with other creatures - lower blood pressure, reduced stress, increased exercise, etc...  For your information, we do have an emergency, fail-safe plan designed to save life on the planet, in the event humans finally go too far with their frenzy of environmental destructiveness. I can't go into any of the top-secret details of this plan, but suffice it to say that if and when this plan ever goes into effect there will be no effective defense against the attack of hordes of killer gerbils. Perhaps I've said too much. 

Dear Amelia,

You're just kidding about that last remark, aren't you? I mean, I happen to have a pair of cute, cuddly gerbils in my den. They seem quite content and spend all day running in place on their exercise wheel. Should I be worried?

Signed: Gerbil Lover.

Dear Gerbil Lover:  No need to worry. If and when the fail-safe plan is implemented, it will be quite fast and painless.

Dear Amelia,

I read that this year the 17 Year Locust are making a comeback. Apparently they spend 17 years underground and only emerge after 17 years to have a stiff drink and mate. Frankly this sounds preposterous. Is this really true or some kind of insect myth? Also, does this have anything to do with the 7 Year Itch?

Signed - Perpetually Itchy

Dear Itchy:  Actually, the 7 Year Itch is a myth - it's more like a 2 or 3 year itch, according to my sources - but the 17 Year Locust are, in fact, a reality. And no, they are not connected. The 17 Year Locust, also known as 17 Year Cicadas are a species of periodical insects that spend most of their lives as nymphs, burrowed underground and sucking sap from tree roots. They emerge once every 17 years, transform into adults, do the business of reproduction, smoke a cigarette and then die. It's a pretty pointless life, actually, but, well, at least they're not conscious long enough to get all depressed about it (unlike some primates I know). Anyway, if you'd like to learn more about this peculiar and extremely noisy phenomenon,  check out this website:      





Please direct all 'Letters to the Editors' to



  • FREE Subscription - quarterly 






copyright (C) 2004 Dean Friedman Productions