Hey Folks,
Someone sent me this bunch of 'musician' jokes which I couldn't resist forwarding.
(Some of them just struck too close to home.) Musicians will definitely appreciate 'em. And music appreciaters will gain some insight into why your mother never wanted you to date one.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd
like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't
do both."Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.Q: What do you call a group of lesbians with guns?
A: Militia Etheridge.The girl singer, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to
her saxophonist lover, ``Honey, I think you better pull out now.'' He
replies, ``Why? Am I sharp?''Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same
time.Q: How many trombonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it's the only thing they won't screw.Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.Q: How do you stop the spread of a deadly disease?
A: Let BMG distribute it.Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.Q: Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility.Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That's the banjo player's porsche.Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policemanQ: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.Q: What's the first thing a girl singer does in the morning?
A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What
kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says
Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Michael asks. Milton says "It's a
piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Music: A complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the
composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by
the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the
same time.Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra
player to become a soloist.Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you
find it again.Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong
pitch.Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny
Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor,
then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then
modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last
3 bars!" She claims, "that might be too complicated to do without a
rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"Q: What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in the
band?
A: The drummer.
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[Thanks to Eddie Ciletti and the anonymous authors of these musician gags.]Well Folks, I hope that gave you a good chuckle - it did me. Feel free to pass it on.
Meanwhile, I'm still working on bookings for the UK tour March 2001 and I should have more info in a few weeks.
Also... tickets to the Turning Point gig - November 19th, Piermont, NY - are still available: Turning Point Tickets.
And don't forget the upcoming Chanukah Concert for Kids at the Yorktown Stage Theater Sunday, Dec. 24th 2pm: Chanukah Show Tickets.
It's starting to get cold here in Peekskill. The frost is on the pumpkin, as they say. Speaking of which - Happy Halloween. Watch out for low flying witches and ghosts etc...
Be well, everybody.
Yours,
Dean Friedman - VGM
[that's the musician equivalent to professional initials like MD, DDS or CPA. It stands for Very Good Musician. It represents years of hard work, sacrifice and dedication to the difficult art, craft and science of making music. (And I've got a gold record and a framed 'bankruptcy' certificate hanging on my wall to prove it!) ;o) ]